Coming Soon! "And You, And You, And You…..You Never Loved Me"

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A CRAZY BITCH!

Minimize how I feel?  That ends now! I asked you nicely to never contact me again and your choice was to tell me I was just going to get over it. I just needed to "chew on that a while."

"I 'Blah Blah Blah' you because that is exactly what B*** A** did to me when I explained my absense was because I was embarrassed about my mental illness.  She was like "Whatever C******...that is stupid.....you see Theresa that what real friends do..... I laugh about it now.  Chew on that a while and I will talk to you soon.  It just boundries not a loss girl...…"

DID YOU SUCK MY ENERGY OUT OF ME TO THE POINT I HAD TO DUMP YOUR ASS?

"...they are very kind and generous. they just want to see me happy, get my own life, etc…it was hardest for me just to come to terms with myself by giving up my career."


Then why did you think it was YOU? And why did you get your daughter to email me about it instead of just asking me yourself? It wasn't about YOU. It's not always about YOU! Good-bye, you are DISMISSED!

WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO SLIDE RIGHT BY, TELL ME NOT TO "TAKE IS PERSONALLY," AND JUST WALK AWAY CLEAN?

THE TIME HAS COME! YOUR ASSES ARE ON MY CHOPPING BLOCK!  I WILL REVEAL ALL I DID FOR YOU, EVERYTHING YOU NEVER DID FOR ME, AND EVERYTHING YOU TOOK FROM ME.

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME….." DON'T KNOW?  WELL, YOU'RE GONNA LEARN!

**********

And now a sneak peak of "And You, And You, And You…..You Never Loved Me"

     At least once a week, I have a night at home by myself while my husband goes off to play poker with his buddies.  And every week on that night while he's gone, I have a nose draining cry fest and then go to bed before he even gets home so he has no idea that I've cried for three or four hours straight.  The reason for such waterworks, one might think, would be due to being in pain and crying is a good release for that pain.  However, it is extremely rare that those hours are actually used to relieve stress from pain on my body.

     No, the reason I cry for three to four hours on those poker nights is because of general sadness and malaise over complete and total failure to be able keep people from leaving me.  Granted, in the last 6 to 9 months, I have deliberately ended two friendships both over 20 years old. But that has actually lifted a burden OFF of me in the months after doing so.  However, the overall experience for the grand majority of my lifetime has been that people leave me. They just up and go.  Now I've had a birth mother abandon me and an adoptive mother abandon me. That right there would give anyone a complex of some sort.

     But me?  I can do everything right, be perfectly kind, and try to be the best friend that a friend could ever try to be and people just leave. High and dry. No warning, no particular reason.  Now I know that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime.  But me?  I'm a weird, off-brand sort of repellent.

     Just recently, I posted on Facebook. I basically said that I should probably do some friend cleaning since I have so many on my friends list and so few seem to interact with things that I post.  When I see my friends post a basic opinion, or photo, or article and those friends seem to ALWAYS get 30 to 50 people commenting (a lot of times more than that), and I get nothing, I must conclude that no one is interested in me anymore.  I can't say for sure that it's the stupid Facebook algorithm keeping friends from seeing it in their News Feeds because I'm highly participatory with all of those friends.  It's the only logical conclusion left.

     In less than the last year, I've said "good-bye" to two best friend relationships. One was a 20-year friendship and the other was a friendship that went back as far as high school, nearly 30 years.  Well, why would I do that? Because one went through a mental health crisis, put me through a massive amount of pain, and when she left the psychiatric facility, didn't contact me.  When contact was finally made indirectly, that friend would not hear of me telling her about any of the things she did during her psychotic break.  Things like:

• Calling my husband and leaving him a message that I was a lesbian who had been chasing her for years.
• Calling and screaming into the phone to stay away from her and her child.
• Sending me texts not to contact her because I was not the agent of the FBI and that she was the Mayor of Philadelphia's agent.

     The list goes on.  And then she told me I would "get over it."  She basically attempted to blame me for it all.  I finally had to tell her "never contact me ever again" and "I'm done with you."  So not only did I have to grieve for my loss while she was sick, I grieved the loss of my friendship.  When it finally came down to thinking it all through, I knew this could never be mended if she would never take responsibility for at least the irresponsibility of going off of her medications.  People DO still grieve even when they are the dumper.

     As for the other friend, she basically turned out to be just like the aforementioned friend. After taking stock of the 20-year friendship, what it all came down to was that she only ever called, talked or spent time with me when she needed something from me.  She never asked for money so that was never an issue.  In fact, she refused to ever accept help when I offered it to her.  But when she needed an ear to burn for 4 to 8 hours or needed advice about family matters and so on, I was the one she called.  Did I expect her to reciprocate?  Of course, if she was able to do so.  But if I went to her with anything from the simple to the dire, she was never there for me. She was unavailable or didn't call back. In the earlier days, she wouldn't come over or wasn't there for me to go to her. In the later days, she never visited me once. I always went to her. And the list goes on…it's way too long to even hit the surface of that here.

"I Will Heal...Then WE (?) Will Heal" WTF?

I've written different kinds of Notes on Facebook and I've blogged in the past. I've written about turning 40, about life without the ability to have a child and about life growing up with no father because he was murdered. The latter was more reality intertwined with my dreams of what life would have been like if he'd lived.

But now, another pending matter (and there always seems to be SOMETHING) looms.

I've recently hit a strike of another possible abandonment in life. It comes in big ways and smaller ways but this one might actually be the result of ME walking away this time.

First, my birth mother abandoned me and my brother when were about 11 and 10 years old. She was a drunk and a junkie and from all accounts, she still is.

My aunt adopted me legally when I was in my 20's. I finally had a real mother. And, I was so happy. I felt liked I belonged to someone...finally.

Then, 7.5 years ago, my aunt-mother stopped talking to me over a rift that I can barely recall the details to. But I do remember that I apologized, answered every question she had truthfully and left the door open to come to me anytime. Eventually, on the advice of a professional, it came time to stop trying and move along with my own life.  I can't make her not angry with me and I can't worry about it anymore because she's angry with me.  She's angry with me because she can't be angry at someone else because it won't affect that person.  So, I'm the target.  Fine, moving on.

Other abandonments have probably come as a result of circumstance. I'm sure I haven't heard from some of my BFF's because they've had babies in their late 30's and I have no children. It's heartbreaking. These were the children who were supposed to have me in their lives and I refuse to impose myself on them. I figure if I'm wanted, they'll tell me.

I suppose there is some overall punishment hanging over me for all time for some reason, maybe a lot of reasons...I just don't know.

But now I have a friend of 20+ years who, after being hospitalized from a psychotic break after discontinuing medication, has decided she needs to heal so WE can heal.  The only problem is: WE are not broken.  At least not in my reality where there isn't a diseased mind.  Her mind, on the other hand, has completely flipped interactions between us in the past in a 180 degree direction.  Basically, she's seeing the exact opposite of what actually took place.  And I cannot even begin to describe the horrific, nightmare experiences my friend put me and her family through before she was finally hospitalized.

So, I'm thinking it might be high time to say goodbye to that friendship.  I've given a lot over the years to those who are the closest to me.  Sometimes giving to the point where I allowed advantage to be taken willingly because I was being helpful.

I'm now at the point where even the smallest courtesy asked for has become suspicious.  I never expect reciprocation when I give to another.  But now the whole "give an inch, take a foot" thing is out of hand.  And I suppose there shouldn't be a "give an inch, take a foot" thing when it comes to those closest to you but eventually, one grows weary.  Eventually, you do start to wonder, not if they'll give back but, if they'll even acknowledge what you gave.

I can accept that relationships have their time. Some are for life, some are for only a little while maybe for some unknown purpose and most fall somewhere in the middle. But maybe it's time I did some "friend cleaning" in other places other than just on Facebook.