"I Will Heal...Then WE (?) Will Heal" WTF?

I've written different kinds of Notes on Facebook and I've blogged in the past. I've written about turning 40, about life without the ability to have a child and about life growing up with no father because he was murdered. The latter was more reality intertwined with my dreams of what life would have been like if he'd lived.

But now, another pending matter (and there always seems to be SOMETHING) looms.

I've recently hit a strike of another possible abandonment in life. It comes in big ways and smaller ways but this one might actually be the result of ME walking away this time.

First, my birth mother abandoned me and my brother when were about 11 and 10 years old. She was a drunk and a junkie and from all accounts, she still is.

My aunt adopted me legally when I was in my 20's. I finally had a real mother. And, I was so happy. I felt liked I belonged to someone...finally.

Then, 7.5 years ago, my aunt-mother stopped talking to me over a rift that I can barely recall the details to. But I do remember that I apologized, answered every question she had truthfully and left the door open to come to me anytime. Eventually, on the advice of a professional, it came time to stop trying and move along with my own life.  I can't make her not angry with me and I can't worry about it anymore because she's angry with me.  She's angry with me because she can't be angry at someone else because it won't affect that person.  So, I'm the target.  Fine, moving on.

Other abandonments have probably come as a result of circumstance. I'm sure I haven't heard from some of my BFF's because they've had babies in their late 30's and I have no children. It's heartbreaking. These were the children who were supposed to have me in their lives and I refuse to impose myself on them. I figure if I'm wanted, they'll tell me.

I suppose there is some overall punishment hanging over me for all time for some reason, maybe a lot of reasons...I just don't know.

But now I have a friend of 20+ years who, after being hospitalized from a psychotic break after discontinuing medication, has decided she needs to heal so WE can heal.  The only problem is: WE are not broken.  At least not in my reality where there isn't a diseased mind.  Her mind, on the other hand, has completely flipped interactions between us in the past in a 180 degree direction.  Basically, she's seeing the exact opposite of what actually took place.  And I cannot even begin to describe the horrific, nightmare experiences my friend put me and her family through before she was finally hospitalized.

So, I'm thinking it might be high time to say goodbye to that friendship.  I've given a lot over the years to those who are the closest to me.  Sometimes giving to the point where I allowed advantage to be taken willingly because I was being helpful.

I'm now at the point where even the smallest courtesy asked for has become suspicious.  I never expect reciprocation when I give to another.  But now the whole "give an inch, take a foot" thing is out of hand.  And I suppose there shouldn't be a "give an inch, take a foot" thing when it comes to those closest to you but eventually, one grows weary.  Eventually, you do start to wonder, not if they'll give back but, if they'll even acknowledge what you gave.

I can accept that relationships have their time. Some are for life, some are for only a little while maybe for some unknown purpose and most fall somewhere in the middle. But maybe it's time I did some "friend cleaning" in other places other than just on Facebook.