As I get closer to my 40th birthday, it occurred to me that there were two ways for me to enter this new decade of life: glide in nice and smooth-like or go in kicking and screaming.
Well, my claws are out and I’m going in kicking and screaming. And if I hear another cliché, I may have to claw out eyeballs.
I have lived more than one lifetime in these last 39 years and I don’t know if it gets any better solely because I’m entering my 4th decade of life. I guess that’s a wait and see situation.
One thing I have noticed now that I am getting closer to this milestone is in regard to what I think about what others think of me. Has the following happened to anybody else?
For more years than I can recall, I was always quite vocal about what others thought of me. I would proudly exclaim that I didn’t give a shit what somebody thought of me and I would also make it well known that I didn’t care if there was someone who didn’t particularly like me.
If this has happened to you, then you know that absolutely I DID care and I cared A LOT. I could probably guess which of my closest of friends were not fooled by those exclamations but if this is a surprise to any of them, then I’m a much better actress than I ever thought I was.
And then, something began to change. I didn’t hit on it until about a week ago even though it’s been brewing for the last year. Maybe it’s age or maturity or maybe it’s a newfound confidence that comes with this age change. Because now? I DON’T CARE! I REALLY DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME! I really don’t. I am finally LIBERATED! I can rattle off, by name, those real friends and family that truly do care about me, love me, like me and give a damn about what happens to me. And the rest can kiss my ass. ☺
This is who I am. This is what you get. This is how I’m wired and only those who have real love for me will be able to accept it. I do like to think there are more good things about me than not so good, but I’m a weirdly wrapped package with a funky kind of bow. But, God made me this way and God don’t make no junk!
I’ve learned that my past will always have an effect on my present and future. I’ve been to reconcile the horrible experiences so that I can speak of them without feeling pain but the simple fact is that because of these experiences, there will always be something from the past that will play a part in future decisions, future endeavors, and pretty much everything that comes down the pike for me.
Speaking of my horrible past, get over it, period. As I move into this new decade, this rite of passage has brought to light that if you are a part of my current life, you get the whole package, including the past. It’s made me into what I am today. I can’t make it go away, I can’t change it, and for anyone to those who told me to forget about it (yes, people have actually seen that as a viable solution for dealing with it all), frankly, you were a moron.
I am now realizing that I actually know who I am today. I’m more comfortable in my own skin, I don’t care (really, I don’t) if my ass looks too big in those pants, and I may be a late bloomer, but I’m now more free than ever to pursue what it is I want to do and to leave behind what I don’t want to do. I’m no longer willing to cave to the strong suggestions of others if I am convinced something is not right for me. “No” means “NO.” Please don’t take it personal.
Having said all that, I know who my real friends are. I have reevaluated all of my closest friends and have decided how much of a role they will play in my life in the future. Some will be faded away because I’m just not that into you anymore. The rest will go on and continue to grow with me, change with me, and celebrate life with me.
I hope life really does begin at 40.
Feel free to discuss.
Feel free to discuss.
